Lessons in Forgiveness
One of the most powerful aspects of officiating at memorials is hearing the touching stories and the profound lessons for the living. Recently, I was presiding at a memorial for my congregant’s father. It was a small group that came together, just the immediate family and a special nephew that flew in from New Jersey. I learned the nephew’s name was Isaac, very religious, and also a favorite nephew that the deceased had connected with almost weekly. Isaac sat quietly through the service, and was last to speak. He shared a custom I had never seen anyone do at graveside. He explained that his custom at a funeral or memorial was to ask forgiveness of the deceased. The forgiveness can range from specific, for example, “I’m sorry I didn't remember your birthday”, or vague, “I’m sorry that I did not understanding you more”, to a more personal failing like, “please forgive me for not being there when you were alone and needed me.”
I assume that if one is asking for forgiveness, it implies that behind that ask, is the feeling of guilt that some mourners carry and must let go of. Isaac shared a story that was quite unexpected about the “power of forgiveness,” that struck me. His Uncle Morrie (the deceased) and his mother had been estranged for many years. Being a law-abiding Jew, every year at Selichot, and Rosh Hashanah, I imagine he reviewed the people he needed to forgive. Somehow, (that is probably a great story too), he realized that he was the only one in the family who had the ability to reunite his mom and uncle. This brother and sister who deeply loved each other had a fight years ago, had not talked for years and had created a split in the family that prevented the cousins from knowing one another. I know this story very well as I am sure many of you do too.
At the wall where his Uncle’s ashes lay, Isaac, apologized that his motive for reconnecting with his Uncle was not pure. Years prior, he began regularly calling his Uncle because he ultimately hoped that through his sincere relationship with his Uncle, he could encourage and soften him, make him see the value of family and ultimately lead him towards forgiving his mom. Needless to say, It worked! “I may have planted a seed,” he said, “however Uncle Morrie had to come to the realization that it was time to forgive his sister. Uncle Morrie recognized that these blood relationships are what count in life. He was led by Isaac, but chose forgiveness rather than his loneliness that was caused by resentment and anger.
While Uncle Morrie had a lay-over in the Chicago airport, Isaac, managed to create a meeting for his mom and Uncle. After all, they only had to see each other for a short time, in a public place. Of course when they saw each other, the flood gates opened, and they both let go of their sides of the “ rope” that they had tugged back on for all these years, and instead, used their now free hands to embrace each other. Isaac concluded the story by sharing that on his mother’s death bed, she thanked him for reuniting her with her brother and for giving her many meaningful years with her brother that otherwise, she would never have had.
If Isaac had not taken this important principle of forgiveness seriously, or practiced forgiveness himself every year at Rosh Hashanah, the life changing moment that he facilitated would have been missed. In the next few weeks we will be celebrating Rosh Hashana where we are encouraged to look at the flaws in our character through the prayers like Ashamnu ( stubbornness, having to be right, anger, resentments, arguments, jealousy, hurts, envy etc…). When we beat our hearts, perhaps we can think of our “beating” hearts opening, forgiving , and letting go of the negative stories that separate us from people we love. Maybe we can remember that our loneliness is a choice and releasing the past can free us. Like Isaac, maybe we are the link needed to help reconnect people, and it takes just one relationship to change the world for someone we love, and even more, for ourselves. Where can you find forgiveness? How can you let go of hurt and resentment and welcome in space for love and understanding?
On Rosh Hashanah day, at a heavenly setting on the beach, come and ponder these places that can be healed in your life. Come to our Magical Tashlich gathering to rest, settle, release the past and dive into your own personal transformation. May this year bring the sweetness you deserve.
